Have u ever feel that u know what u want to do or at least have to do but u aint doing it? so thats what happen to me now. Nie tulis blog pown entah akan post ke tak? kalau berjaya lah habiskan tulis. I have so many things i want to do but somehow im afraid of failing. May be sebab ive been through some bad moments in my life. not to brag but my life aint the happiest but alhamdulillah i get through it everytime. Now just another hiccup that i have to face. betul lah cakap org to get out of depression is really hard. im not saying im depressed but entah may b a little. Well i do bersyukur with what i have but at times macam pikir why am i like this? its like the spirit just been sucked out of you. and all u left is nothing, feeling down and unworthyness. i am a mess where no one will want me or even acknowledge me.
Serious i envy a lot of people who can just be ok the next day. ive tried but may be not hard enough. i dont tend to dwell in whatever i am now. but why do i feel so hard to be me again. im like zombi with no soul.i know i over thinking. i know whatever im thinking is not true pown. but cant help it. kalau psychatrist dah tanya one layer after another. why do i feel the way i feel, what makes u feel that way. Sometimes duduk, and think, somehow i think i just need someone to acknowledge me, someone to understand the way i am, someone who knows how much im struggling to be okay again. to be my old self, where my friends call me happy go lucky. may b i still am just in front of people. i just want someone to tell me the know how much i tried but i still couldnt. and just tell me its okay to be where u r now. its okay to be the way u r now. although it is ridiculous. or just know the have my back if i need help. not ignoring how i am and keep pushing me to do this n that. i know they have to do what best for me not to dwell in whatever i am now. but i just need someone to hug me and take my pain away. I know Allah is the only one i can turn too to cry n cry n cry. may b i should start changing my name. RIGHT? ahahahaa...
What makes me like this? Well i lost someone so dear to me. for 5 years his there with me and one day suddenly hilang. i dont even know where he is and all. people say things to me even they know its easy said than done. I know he might be nobody in ur eyes. but his there with me when no one is. His there with me to make me laugh when i dont want to laugh. he let me be mad at him when my mood swing and feels like nak marahh someone, he sooth my hearts when i cry or serabut, he wakes up when i had a bad dream and let me sleep like a baby even he needs me. he never talk bad abt my friends and family and always encourage me to be more polite and treat them better. he advice me when i dont know what to do and encourage me to be a better person, a better daughter, a better muslimah.
I know nothings come easy. I know that other people struggle more than i am. I am thankful. I know at some point i have to start living to feed myself. Duit saving tu sampai bila sangat nak bertahan kan? so slowly but surely im trying. The latest experience that im facing is kena SCAMMED. I guess people are looking for easy money to earned. mula2 tu mmg lah terduduk jugak bila kena. but i know salah sendiri. Sape suruh g percaya some strangers you dont even know. Betul kata inspektor smalam, tak semua org baik. some kenal bertahun but then dah gain trust n all baru dia scammed. wow. so scary manusia skarang. Listening how the scammed people dgn mcm2 cara lagi macam wow. Sebab serious pandai giler kowt manusia. But i guess they get what they after but Allah will give their kifarah jugak in this world and hereafter. ceh dah acah ustazah. memang betul kalau rezeki tu bukan milik kita macam tu je hilang dalam sekelip mata. Either kena scammed, or ttibe tercicir, or ttbe kreta rosak ke, rumah bocor ke. mmg terkilan but thats life. Dalam rezeki kita memang akan ada rezeki org lain. SOmetime kita wonder why lah this thing happen when we ourself in need. Let just say, ALLAH uji kita sebab ALLAH sayang kita.Allah nak gantikan yg lebih baik may be.
I know all this facts but deep down to accept things is harder then you think. Honestly im hoping to meet with people that can motivate me, not pushing me but encourage me slowly. macam doesnt make me feel like i cant be like this lama2 n all. i have to this n that. cam ne ek nak cakap. rather then asking me to do this n that, motivates me so i feel like i have to do this n that. get what i mean? thats why slowly i start do things i dont normally do. i believe in doing things that i like rather do things i dont coz i know what it will do to me. i may be successful in doing things i dont like but the value of it doesnt add up to me and i hardly can acknowledge that im successful of doing it. Paham tak? ahahahahaa.... ha pandai2 lah renung2 kan. so for now this is my updates. nnt kalau rajin i ols update plak pasal trip Swak yg sgt happening!!!
Till my next post. Pls dont judge. If u dont like what im sharing, pfft i dont care much. it could be my way of getting the help that i need or never know kan org baca ttbe org offer kije yg i might be interested or may be someone that can give me the missing piece im looking for to be ok again. you'll never know.
tQ for ur time reading my blogs yg dah bersawang nie. Will try and update more.
LURVE,
TIA